2tupiid roommate
by Death-By-2olkat
Summary: Sollux gets the worst roommate ever, yay! Rated M for the occasional curses and hoping to make it a sort of story if all goes well.
1. thii2 ii2 bull2hiit

Sollux had been sitting at his desk with his laptop in front of him for a few hours now now trying to figure out what to write for his essay.

The kitchen was pretty much like a normal kitchen, but no dishwasher, so they needed to handwash the dishes. Yeah, okay, the kitchen was smaller than 'normal' kitchens and not nearly enough cupboard or fridge space for his personal liking.

The bathroom was simple; a toilet, a sink with cabinet for storage, a mirror that could be opened up for storage, and a bathtub with shower with curtains, a bathtub mat draped over the side of the tub. A closet was also involved for towels and facecloths.

The living room had a nicely-sized TV with a pretty shitty couch and his 'gaming pillow' on the floor in front of the couch. Who sits on the couch while playing games? Speaking of games, Sollux already had all his gaming systems hooked up to it, his videogames kept by their consoles. Hopefully the roommate wouldn't find them or mess them up.

His old roommate had been kicked out for, well, he was in the dark for the reason... nonetheless, he was expecting his new roommate any minute now.

_'I hope this one will be decent and pay close attention to the god damn rules, not ask about my 3D glasses, not mock my lisp, and respect my personal space because I would much rather not slap them.' _ Sollux thought to himself and decided to check his Facebook messages since he couldn't even get the first word out to the document. _'Oh look, KK's online.'_

* * *

**Karkat Motherfucking Vantas: **

SO, HOW'S YOUR NEW ROOMMATE?

**Sollux Captor: **

oh, good, con2iideriing they haven't arriived yet.

and ii per2onally hope that they never arriive.

**Karkat Motherfucking Vantas:**

YEAH, LET'S HOPE. WE BOTH HOPE THEY DON'T COME AT ALL.

WE REMEMBER WHAT THE LAST ONE WOULD LIKE.

GOD FORBID YOU GET STUCK WITH ANOTHER DOUCHEBAG WHO INVADES YOUR SPACE AND STEALS EVERY HONEY-FLAVORED THING IN THE ROOM.

**Sollux Captor:**

iif they do that, they miight not wake up the next morniing.

**Karkat Motherfucking Vantas:**

WOW, YOU'RE VIOLENT.

OH, AND GUESS WHO MY ROOMMATE IS.

**Sollux Captor:**

we both know that no one would a22iign you a roommate, KK.

**Karkat Motherfucking Vantas:**

EXACTLY.

I HAVE NO ROOMMATE.

HOW LUCKY AM I?

**Sollux Captor:**

ii hate you.

ii wii2h ii could be 2o lucky.**  
**

waiit, ii heard the door open.

fuck.

ii thiink they're here.

ii gue22 ii 2hould go and 'greet' them.

ii really don't want two do thii2.

**Karkat Motherfucking Vantas:**

GOOD LUCK, CAPTOR! 

* * *

Sollux rolled his eyes and could almost hear Karkat's laugh through the laptop's speakers. He logged off of Facebook and stood up to face his newroommate.

_'Fuck. No, fuck no.'_ he thought to himself and made a face at his new roommate.

"Hey Sol. I guess I'm your neww roommate noww. You must be lucky to be wwith me," Eridan grinned as he moved his various suitcases and other bags to the empty bed.

"Yeth, I feel _tho_ lucky to be in your prethence, ED. Read the ruleth that are on the fridge and don't touch me. I'm trying to work on my eththay-"

"And howw wwell is that goin' for you, Sol?" he interrupted, only to get a slight growl from Sollux.

"Do not interrupt me while I'm thpeaking, or I thwear I-"

"Sol, you knoww you wwon't do shit," Eridan laughed as he began to casually put away his clothes, books, laptop, and went to the bathroom to put away all his stupid hair products.

Sollux logged back into Facebook and brought up the chat between Karkat and himself.

* * *

**Sollux Captor:**

KK.

ii ju2t met my new roommate.

**Karkat Motherfucking Vantas:**

WHO IS IT?

**Sollux Captor:**

our wor2t niightmare.

take a gue22 from that hiint.

**Karkat Motherfucking Vantas:**

AMPORA?

**Sollux Captor:**

unfortunately, ye2.****

**Karkat Motherfucking Vantas:**

SERIOUSLY?

HOLY FUCK!

YOU'RE SO LUCKY TO HAVE HIM!****

**Sollux Captor:**

diid ii do 2omethiing bad two have thii2 happen two me?

ii'm 2eriiou2, what have ii done?

* * *

Sollux felt a weight on his back suddenly and groaned. "Ampora. I will give you one chance to get off or I will make you have female partth..." he snarled.

Eridan just pouted. "But that wwasn't vvery nice to say about me, Sol. Is that wwhat you really think about me?"

* * *

**Karkat Motherfucking Vantas:**

YOU WERE BORN.

IF YOU WEREN'T BORN, THIS SHITHEAD WOULDN'T BE ASSIGNED TO BE YOUR ROOMMATE.

* * *

For fuck sake, Sollux heard the laughing again. And now the laughing was coming from the mouth of the one leaning on his back and nearly deafened him. This was going to be hell, wasn't it?

Sollux tried to type a response, managing to actually get his arms to move despite the asshole of a roommate squishing his upper body.

* * *

**Sollux Captor:**

2hut the fuck up.

ii'm gettiing kiilled here.

**Karkat Motherfucking Vantas:**

HOW ARE YOU BEING KILLED?

DON'T EVEN TRY TO DIE ON ME, CAPTOR.

**Sollux Captor:**

he ii2 u2iing my back a2 2ome 2ort of mattre22.

my back miight ju2t break underneath hii2 fat a22.

* * *

"Get off, Ampora!" Sollux groaned, trying a little harder to get out from underneath the weight of his new roommate. He swore his back was already bending to the point of wanting to snap in two.

Eridan just shook his head. "Make me get off, Sol," he snickered.

* * *

**Sollux Captor:**

ii'll talk two you later.

ii have 2omethiing two liiterally get off my back.

**Karkat Motherfucking Vantas:**

ARE THE TWO OF YOU GOING TO HAVE A FEELINGS JAM OR SOMETHING?

FINE, HAVE FUN.

**Sollux Captor:**

you have no iidea how much fun ii wiill have wiith gettiing hiim off my back.

* * *

Sollux managed to move his arms enough to log off of his Facebook and closed his laptop slowly before he shoved his chair back; causing Eridan to fall off his back. "Fucking aththhole. I warned you to get off my back and you didn't lithten."

"Wwell, maybe it's because you're just so borin' to listen to and your rules on personal space are wweird and there's no reason to listen to you," he groaned as he rubbed the back of his head. Obviously planning on doing something _else_ to piss off the computer nerd.

"Are you thhure there'th no reathon to lithten to me? Becauthe there are _multiple_ reathonth you need to lithten to me. And trutht me, you don't want to know what I am capable of and you never _will_ know what I am capable of," Sollux replied with a flat face before he stood up to go to the kitchen and looked in the fridge.

This is hell and he could only imagine it getting worse from then on.


	2. noww lets bother sol

Eridan took a glass out of the cupboard and took out an energy drink, obviously honey-flavored, and poured it into the glass right as the lispy nerd entered. Oh yes, bothering Sollux was one of his many favorite past times.

"What the thhit are you doing?!" Sollux blurted out and he swore if Sollux's eyes weren't hidden that he would see his eyes nearly pop out of their sockets. Was that steam coming from his ears? "The ruleth _clearly_ thtate that you do _not_, under _any_ circumthtanceth, drink one of _my_ energy drinkth! _Ethpecially_ the flavored oneth!" he shouted. His lisp was so adorable.

Eridan then decided to piss him off even further. "Sol, do I see _steam_ comin' outta your ears? Wwhy are you so angry? It's just an energy drink and I don't see wwhat the problem is wwith drinkin' it," he smirked and took a long drink from it, "It's delicious, wwhere do you get these?"

Oh, Sollux was pissed now!

"You. Fucking... Why would you want to pithth me off, you fucking douchebag pile of thhit! There are no wordth for how you managed to fucking _ignore_ all the ruleth. That. Are. On. The. God. Damn. Fridge. In. Front. Of. Your. Fucking. Face. You. Ignorant. Pile. Of..." Sollux tensed up with a possible... growl?... before just going off to his laptop.

"Wwhat's wwrong, Sol?" Eridan asked and went over to the computer nerd to try to get attention, "Wwhat're you doin' noww?" he smirked and took a sip from the glass full of the honey-flavored energy drink.

"Trying. To. Work. On. My. Eththay. Now... jutht fuck off tho I can-"

"Wwork on wwhat, Sol? Wwhat essay are you wworkin' on? An essay about howw amazin' havving me as your roommate?" Eridan chuckled and went back to leaning against the other's back with a little smirk, "Oh look at that! Kar's online! I'm goin' to message him for ya, don't wworry your hands ovver tryin' to type for you."

**Karkat Motherfucking Vantas:**

CAPTOR, ARE YOU ALIVE?

SOLLUX. YOU BETTER NOT HAVE DIED ON ME, DAMN IT.

**Sollux Captor:**

no, sol died on you.

noww you gotta deal wwith me.

**Karkat Motherfucking Vantas:**

AMPORA, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN ACCOUNT, GET OFF CAPTOR

**Sollux Captor:**

that sounded vvery wwrong, kar.

**Karkat Motherfucking Vantas:**

...

YOU FUCKING IMAGINATIVE DOUCHEBAG.

I WILL FIND YOU AND WILL KICK YOU IN THE GOD DAMN SACK AND MAKE YOU PHYSICALLY UNABLE TO BE THE CAUSE OF IMPREGNATING A FEMALE IF ONE IS EVER ATTRACTED TO YOU.

**Sollux Captor:**

wwell thats just plain rude, kar.

**Karkat Motherfucking Vantas:**

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

AND I WILL NEVER GIVE ANY SORT OF SHIT UNLESS THEY'RE DEEP IN THE NEGATIVES.

**Sollux Captor:**

fine, ill get off.

but hes too comfy.

though i suppose i should.

Eridan began moving Sollux's hand on the mouse to make him log off.

"Ampora! Don't you dare log me off!" Sollux shouted as they practically fought over the mouse. Fuck, he even tried to _bite_ his arm to make him let go. He squirmed and tried to kick off Eridan.

No, he wasn't going to let go. Eridan was really enjoying fighting against Sol over a mouse. And he clicked the logging off button successfully with a laugh.

"And noww... to close the wwindoww..." Eridan grinned as they soon battled with the mouse to click on the 'x' at the window they were on, "Don't fuckin' kick me, Sol!" he blurted out as he was nearly kicked in the arm.

"_THEN LET GO OF MY FUCKING ARM! I WILL CONTINUE FIGHTING YOU EVEN IF IT TURNTH INTO THE END OF MY LIFE, YOU SLICE OF FUCKING... __**DON'T BITE AT MY ARM, YOU DICK!**_" Sollux shouted while he continued to fight, nearly falling out of his chair before nailing a kick at Eridan's arm.

"Oww!" Eridan yelped, but it was too late. The window was now closed, "I havve wwon!" he laughed triumphantly and held his arm where he was kicked. Of course, it was all worth it when Sollux fell out of the chair with a long string of lispy curses.

There was then a long pause as Sollux turned his head to the table and stared at a certain spot on it where the glass of energy drink was now empty... after being spilled all over his desk.

_'Oh fuck, I'm doomed,'_ Eridan thought to himself as he watched the now-empty glass of the leftover energy drink dripping onto the carpet.

"What have you done," Sollux asked in a quiet voice. Okay, this was scary. His voice was too quiet. Oh shit.

"Clean it up or I will fucking thlit your throat in your thleep... CLEAN IT OR I WILL KEEP MY PROMITHE ON THLITTING YOUR THROAT!" Sollux shouted, "Cleaning thupplieth are in the bathroom where the towelth are. Clean it while I calm mythelf down," he muttered and went to the kitchen.

"O-Okay, Sol..." Eridan nodded and ran off to the bathroom to get the said supplies. He was still cleaning the carpet by the time Sollux came back with a bowl of popcorn only to sit on his gaming pillow to play something on his Xbox, signing into his account, and put on his headset.

"Hey KK. You ready to get your athth kicked for the thirty-fourth time?" Sollux muttered through the mouthful of popcorn.


	3. LIKE HELL YOU ARE, CAPTOR

**Author's Note: There will be mentions of LGBTQ, so I thought I should let you know. But anyways, I hope you like this chapter! **

"Hey KK. You ready to get your athth kicked for the thirty-fourth time?" Sollux muttered with some sort of food in his mouth, Karkat guessed by the crunching sound on the other end of the mic.

"Ha! Like you think you're going to beat me again, Captor?" Karkat smirked, determined to beat him this time, "Hold up, what game are we playing this time?" he frowned curiously. Nope. There was no way Sollux was going to beat him. He practiced each day for every single game online to the point he hadn't slept right.

Karkat was currently sitting on the floor in front of the TV of his room. His bed was against the wall to an angle that the sun couldn't get to his eyes no matter how hard it would try. Nice try, sun. The curtains blocking out the sun was extremely handy, unless he needed to have a breeze go through his room and the wind would try and blow the curtains away from the window slightly, the sun would never reach his bed.

He glanced briefly at the other bed in his room, unoccupied, and sighed a little. There was a reason he'd never have a roommate, though he wished he could have Sollux as his roommate. Or, really, any of his friends. Of course not a girl, considering it was the rule that a guy and girl couldn't be roommates.

Karkat was gay and, once his older brother found out, he told Dad. Dad didn't approve of gays, bisexuals, lesbians, transgenders, agenders, bigenders, transsexuals, etc. And so, at hearing about his own _son _being gay, he did what he thought was right. Sure, he'd put Karkat into regular schools, but made sure no one could be his roommate. Yeah, it fucking sucked, but he didn't cut him from the internet.

"KK? You there?...KK?" Sollux said from the other end of the mic, sounding worried with more popcorn in his mouth. Or, rather, what Karkat could tell with the crunching and how muffled his voice sounded. He swore all Sollux lived off of was anything that involved honey and popcorn.

"Yeah, I'm here, sorry, zoned out. What game did you say you're going to kick my ass at?" Karkat laughed as he adjusted his headset while he stretched out. His black sweater was really fuckin' itchy, but he couldn't take it off because it's not like he could just take it off... okay, well, he _could_, he just didn't _want_ to take it off. It was sort of a security blanket for him, not to mention he was pale under the sweater. Only times he'd take it off was when he'd go to bed or... _WHY THE FUCK WAS HE GOING ON ABOUT WHAT HE WAS WEARING?_

"We're playing Left 4 Dead... Zombieth Vth. Humanth... You want to be a zombie or human firtht?" Sollux replied, "Ampora, fuck off!" he shouted from the other end. Obviously the new roommate was being a dick, no surprise there though, "Zombie or human?"

Karkat paused in thought for a moment. "I'm gonna be a fuckin' zombie!" he grinned. Well, he probably already looked the part, so he'd be good at it, right?

Sollux chuckled on the other end and Karkat knew that he was shrugging for a fact. "I guethth I'm the only human here then, zombie," he said with a smirk. Had to be a smirk, Karkat knew that smirking vibe through the way he talked.

Karkat and Sollux had been, well, best friends since elementary school and were still best friends to this day, obviously enough if you couldn't fucking tell. "Fucking right you're a human! And I'll devour your brains _easily_!" he laughed wildly.

"KK... that'th thcary ath fuck. Tell me you're never going to laugh like that again," Sollux said from the other end before Karkat heard a grunt, "Ampora, I thwear to fuck I'm going to lothe my patience with- You're not going to make it patht thith night, ED..." he grumbled.

"Trying to kiss you?" Karkat snickered and heard some form of growl on the other end. He hoped no one would steal his Captor. Wait, did he just think that? No, no. Sollux is just his best friend, no attraction, nothing like that whatsoever. Right? Well fuck, he didn't even know his emotions towards Captor.

"No. He ith _NOT_ trying to kithth me! And if he wath... he would be tho dead, nobody would find hith body in one piece. Or, more thpecifically, not find hith body partth in the thame location!" Sollux snapped, Karkat just letting out a short laugh.

"Awesome! Can we start the game now so I can eat your brains?" he snickered and could practically hear Sollux roll his eyes. Wow, he knew Sollux too well, didn't he?

"We both know I have no brainth, KK... but thure, let'th thtart. I'm ready when you are. Go ahead and try to kill off my team..." Sollux said and Karkat could tell that Sollux was shrugging, easy.

"Everyone knows you don't have anything to really think with, you asshole," Karkat laughed and started the game, "Bring it on Captor!"

"Of courthe, and what did I thay about you laughing like a fucking maniac?" Sollux snorted as Karkat just laughed some more, but a little more wild. "You need to thtop with that, it theriouthly thcareth the thhit outta me."

"The almighty Sollux Captor is afraid of a laugh from the amazing Karkat Vantas?" Karkat snickered, making his character charge at one of the four humans, "You won't win this time!"

Sollux laughed on his end, though not as loud as Karkat was able to right now. "You know your athth will be kicked out of the park. I would thcore two home runth in a row if we were playing batheball."

Karkat huffed and shook his head. "Ampora will distract you and make you lose instantly, you know!" he smirked, glad that Sollux was stuck with the most annoying person ever.

"Thtill going to kick your athth, KK!" Sollux grunted, "You won't win, no matter what happenth to me!"

Karkat smirked, his blue eyes on the screen of the TV. "Like hell you are, Captor! Like. Hell. You. Are."


End file.
